Photo by VeloPhotoTX, Marc AR
After a hectic spring I settled into a good training routine leading into Gravel Locos which was to be followed two weeks later by Unbound. It felt wonderful to put consistent hours in on the bike and I remembered that while I love racing, I also love to train. Seeing the hours banking up, the workouts slowly accumulating, and my fitness climbing is rewarding and motivating. I know what kind of accumulated workload I need to be at my best and I was grateful to finally be able to put in the time. That being said, I still entered Unbound a little nervous about my form since my CTL was not where I knew it needed to be. However numbers don't always tell the whole story and as there was no going back to lighten the spring race schedule, I went into the weekend with a positive mindset, determined to race with everything I had.
Early race mornings are my least favorite part of racing. Waking up a bit sleepy, wishing for those few more hours of rest, making coffee and breakfast in a foreign environment, mentally running through setup and nutrition details, not entirely sure yet how the body will respond to a hard day, all add up to a less than peaceful morning. I have raced enough to understand myself and know that I need to simply walk through the routine, get to the start line, and once the gun goes off, I will be in the zone, exactly where I want to be.
The start was fast. This was aided by the race moto's sometimes less than a couple bike lengths ahead of us, simulating a motor pacing session, but with a nervous and amped up peloton furiously pedaling behind. It made me a bit anxious to have them so close as I know how easy it is for something to go wrong, but after a few miles on the gravel, they eased away and we were left to set our own pace. The vibe in the peloton was charged with energy as riders moved in and out of position, trying to be near the front, but not on the front. As we took a left turn, I stood up and climbed the hill, stretching the legs, and accidentally gained a gap from the group. Chagrined, I eased up, not intending to use my matches too soon, and melted back into the group. I noticed some riders positioning very aggressively, needlessly so in my opinion, causing some nervousness in other riders. Unless it is a critical point, using elbows and knocking up against others to assert yourself wastes energy when it is just as easy to let riders slip in, and move up quietly through some other gap. I understood, knowing the importance of the day and how much each athlete had invested into the event, but also know a calmer, more fluid approach is more beneficial and safer for everyone.
Photo by VeloPhotoTX, Marc AR
I made an attack around mile 25 leading into the first minimum maintenance road, wrongly assuming it would be a more decisive section than it was. Once I realized it hadn't been a fight for position into it, I knew I had burned a match unnecessarily. However, I was pleased with the response from my body as I let the peloton, enthusiastically lead by Lauren DC, reel me back. Soon we passed through Eskridge and then began the serious chunk. During this section, I dropped my chain, and while cautiously easing it back onto the ring, fell back from first wheel to perhaps 20th. Relieved to get it back on, I continued with the charging field. During a particularly rough descent, I suddenly lost all gears. Dumbfounded not knowing what I'd done, I pulled over while the field flew by, my heart sinking with every passing rider. After 7 minutes, half of which I spent wishing I had taken my phone as I was sure my race was over, I managed to solve the problem. I hopped back on, and the chase began.
Can it be called a chase though? Can a futile pedaling, a many times solo effort, a desperate attempt to close a gap to a peloton of world class athletes be called anything but a salvage? I felt anger, despair, all the while speaking to myself positively, encouraging my body, my mind grasping at any straw of hope. I rode with multiple personalities striving to conquer each other, the one full of perseverance and courage, the other despondent and upset. Pulling out crossed my mind many times and I thought how easy it would be to quietly disappear, ride back to Emporia, pack up and leave town. However as I pulled into the first aid at mile 70, the thoughts of quitting disappeared as I swiftly swapped bottles, aided by the efficient and debonair Ventum crew, and continued on, spending perhaps 15 seconds in all. I knew it wasn't in me to pull out, even if it meant a long day with no result in sight.
From this point on, I strove to find the positives in the journey. I was delighted to ride with Anna, my Pas Racing teammate, and soon we caught up to Morgan, another Pas athlete riding for the team Enough. The three of us swapped steady pulls, and I thoroughly enjoyed this time together. We were eventually swept up by the leaders of the mens age group, and I increased my pace to match theirs, happy to see the bunch contained another Pas Racing teammate who had also encountered several mechanicals. Karolina and I rode on with group, the pace significantly higher, until a flat pulled me out. After plugging it twice, I continued, and over the remainder of course would join and lose different riders, to finally cross the line 25th woman.
Now what? As an athlete we aren't just dealing with our bodies. Our minds are woven into our performances and need at least the same amount of care and attention as our bodies. Physically I was done, but my mind hasn't stopped since the race finish. As the news and excitement surrounding the race continues to swirl and dance on social media, and texts appear from friends and family asking about the race, I am constantly guiding my thoughts, choosing my words, and finding gratitude instead of anger. I am celebrating the effort I put forth, using the mechanical as feedback as to who I am and the mindset that I have. In the words of my wise therapist and friend Benny Vaughn, "it is not understanding that is required. What is required is to retain your vision and your faith in the actions you are taking. Gratitude for what you are accomplishing keeps you nearer the source of success and abundance." And so I move forward, stronger, more resilient and wiser, calmly approaching my goals with confidence.
Photo by Chiara Redaschi
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